You’ve picked the perfect beer for the evening—a ripe amber with just the right amount of warmth. You’ve paired it with expertly chosen glassware (a pre-chilled, 20-ounce mug), but there’s something missing, something that threatens to deflate the evening faster than… er … you know what, forget it, we’ll figure out a pop culture reference to insert here later. Fortunately, we’ve got your back, Jack, and we’re here to walk you through it. Here’s how to fill the potential gaps in your evening with proper beer accessories.
The Caddy Daddy Golf 6-Pack Cooler – Naturally, when it comes to drinking beer, one of the first necessities is keeping it cool, and you want quality, you want quantity, and you want style, which is why you grabbed your Caddy Daddy Golf Bag Cooler on the way out the door. Who cares that you haven’t played golf since the early 90’s… you now look like you play golf, and that ice cold beer in your hand (plus his five friends in the bag) only fortifies the classy image.
The Corkcicle Chillsner Beer Cooler – Your pregame travels complete, you return home, and home is a completely different story. Home is where legends are written, where deals are sealed, and where warm beer leads to early exits. That’s why you’ve dropped a Corkcicle Chillsner Beer Cooler into the bottles of everyone you want sticking around for a while. Not only does this accessory drop a reusable chill pack directly into the center of your beer bottle, but the top of the Corkcicle doubles as a cap—sealing in both temperature and Score one for the home team.
The second challenge to your evening will undoubtedly lie in opening that second beer bottle. The first beer bottle is never a challenge, because of course you provided an adequate bottle opener, you aren’t a caveman, after all. But about the same time that the folks on the couch start reaching for a second drink is also about the same time that your first-string bottle opener decides to go AWOL (only to be discovered hours later in someone’s back pocket). This will happen. It’s nature’s way. Which is why multiple bottle opening accessories are always a necessity, and why a true aficionado can never have too many.
The Credit Card Bottle Opener – You’ll want to start simple—something easily pulled from your pocket, as if suavely offering a gentleman’s handkerchief; a stainless steel credit card bottle opener does the trick nicely. This bottle opener fits easily inside a wallet, boasts a heavy stainless steel build, yet only weighs a svelte ounce and a half.
The Bottle Opener Ring – Of course, it’ll only be a matter of time before a friend (Phil or Randy, probably) wanders off with your credit card bottle opener, which is why you also came prepared with the bottle opener ring. A quick flick of the wrist, a soft hiss, and congratulations, you’re James Freakin’ Bond for the remainder of the evening. Seriously, this looks like something Tom Cruise would wear in Cocktail, and that may be the highest praise we can give. Of course, this is a great party, and you don’t want anything wrapped around your finger giving off the wrong signals, which is why you’ve also brought along…
The Corkcicle Decapitor – This masculine beast of a bottle opener is worth showing off—because its sexy lines and aluminum-crushing will only draw attention to your sexy lines and aluminum-crushing will. The Corkcicle Decapitor Bottle Opener removes caps from any bottle with one swift push, an action you confidently demonstrate to attractive guest at your side to the masculine, black cylinder on the counter. “It’s called the Decapitator,” you say. “Ooh,” she purrs, “that sounds dangerous.” You don’t answer, because you’ve trained for this moment. You wink, let the Decapitator bottle opener bend the bottle cap to its unstoppable will, then you pour the bottle into…
The Premium Beaker Mug – Of course you do. There’s no other mug for this moment. The thick Borosilicate glass, precision measurements, and lab quality construction proclaim that this beer drinker doesn’t isn’t just danger… no sir, he’s also a freakin’ genius, and smart is the new sexy. She swoons, and you quickly disappear into the crowd, because your training didn’t involve coming up with a closer.
Few hours later, and you’ve pulled off the night with a masterful hand. Your choice of beer was applauded; your knowledge of glassware regarded with respect, and your liberal use of accessories added just the right touch of class. You gaze proudly across the room of adoring friends, and then unleash the final accessory to silence any doubters in the room.
The .50 Caliber Real Bullet Bottle Opener – You just opened a beer. With an actual bullet. And not some spent shell from your dad’s last skeet shooting trip, this bottle opener is built from a .50 caliber bullet—a bullet so powerful that it doesn’t even have to hit its target to kill. And kill is exactly what you’ve done at this party… in a good way, of course. You, sir, have arrived.
Hopefully this drive down Highway Hypothetical has shown you the many benefits of properly accessorizing.
Accessories are more than just shiny objects and colorful belts; true accessories take the things you love and help you love them more. And we can’t think of a single thing wrong with that.