You know what’s a great idea? Expressing your individuality. A better idea? Doing so with your choice of unique beer glasses. And lucky for you, we happen to have a handful waiting. Sure, we could make you take one of those ten-question social media personality quizzes to pair you with the right glass, but I’ve never trusted the accuracy of those (they always tell me my Disney princess persona is Belle when everyone knows it’s Ariel). Instead, we’ll show you seven of the top specialty glasses on the market and let you match yourself. Read thoroughly, choose carefully, then drink openly.
The Hopside Down – You’ve seen those giant margaritas with the upside down beer bottle stuck inside—well, this is the exact same thing, minus the margarita. Not only does the insulated glass keep your beer extra cold, but it guarantees a double-take or two from your friends. The Hopside Down Double Wall Beer glass is for the individual who thinks outside the box, who believes every argument deserves a devil’s advocate, and who lies awake at night staring at the ceiling and wondering which side of the looking glass they’re really on. You’re the beer drinker who judges your beer based on the cover, the person who hates overly-hoppy ales but gave that local IPA a try because the artwork on the bottle was just so damn compelling. This glass tells your friends that you’re ready to turn the world upside down… but first, you’re going to drink this beer.
The Susquehanna Mustache Glass – This set of four pint glasses features a different mustache on each glass, one for every occasion. Of course mustaches are risky—The “Errol Flynn” is just a few days growth from “Guy in Van with Free Candy”. But a risk taker is just the kind of person you are. Your choice of beer glass says “I don’t have time to grow a mustache, I’m too busy risking”, and your beer glass is 100% correct. You, my friend, are an unpredictable force of nature. Unless you’re just drinking from this glass to be ironic. This glass can also good for drinking ironically, I guess.
Hopspeak – Here’s a set of four glasses for the silent type. The Hopspeak Pint Glass Collection features four pints, each with its own pearl of comedic beer wisdom imprinted on the side. These unique glasses are for the individual who doesn’t need to share his or her opinion at the drop of a hat. If you were a classic movie character, you’d be an Irish John Wayne in “The Quiet Man”, a festering cauldron of power and wit bottled inside a cool, calm exterior. You know you don’t have to share your thoughts on the world, because you’ve already said everything that’s worth saying with your beer glass. That’s just the kind of person you are.
You’re also the kind of person who appreciates a good pun, because puns are hilarious.
The Periodic BeEr – Here’s a beer glass for the hidden genius, the individual who knows they’re smarter than the people around them. The Periodic BeEr pint glass can only be appreciated by those who get chemistry, those who know that while the atomic properties of beryllium and erbium are printed on the side, your beer contains neither. That’d be dangerous. Almost as dangerous… as you. No one truly comprehends the potential for greatness you hide. Not yet. But one day, as the world burns around them, they’ll realize the evil genius that sat among them, and they’ll regret all those times they laughed at you for drinking beer in that old RV without pants. One more beer for the Periodic BeEr glass, barkeep… and tread lightly.
The AdnArt Beer Glass – The AdnArt Pint Beer Glass is a glass that comes with a bottle opener permanently attached to the bottom. Now that’s handy. You what else is handy? You’re This is the beer glass for the individual who has a solution to every problem, who answers questions before they’re even asked. It was you who fixed the wobbling pub table with a deck of cards and some rubber bands. You still know how to build a TV antenna out of a coat-hanger and some tinfoil, and you’re fairly certain that if you were dropped into a MacGuyver episode, you’d have no problem defusing a bomb with a paperclip and some chewing gum. That’s why you choose the beer glass with the stainless steel bottle opener. The time will come when someone brings a bottle of stout that doesn’t have a twist-off cap, and by golly, your time will have arrived.
The Amsterdam Freeze Glass – The Amsterdam holds 13-ounces of your beer of preference and keeps it chilled for up to 30 minutes. It can also drop the temperature of your drink to freezing in just under three minutes. This is the glass for the drinker who knows that deep down, you’re a cold-hearted killer. You cried during that Superbowl ad with the puppy, you still can’t watch the end of Old Yeller, but at your core, you know you’re a stone-cold beast. And a stone-cold beast only drinks ice-cold beer—anything warmer might as well be a wine cooler. Enjoy that freezing beverage, killer, and don’t you worry—everyone knows that real men weep while watching “Anne of Green Gables”. This one’s for you, Matthew Cuthbert.
The Premium Beaker Mug – The Premium Beaker Mug is literally a lab quality beaker redesigned to hold beer. That means thick glass, precision measurements, and the kind of quality reserved for the individual who knows exactly what they want out of life. And by “exactly”, we mean down to the tiniest, hairiest detail. You’ve already decided that your firstborn daughter will weight exactly nine pounds, three ounces upon birth, and that she will coast through elementary school with an average grade of B-. You did your 2014 tax return in January… of 2014. You set your thermostat at 68.333 this past winter, and you did so with an analog thermostat. Life is too important to be left up to chance, and you’ve successfully removed any traces of chance from your life. So drink up from your Premium Beaker Mug, my friend, because you’ve earned it… and you can prove that down to the decimal point.
If there’s one thing we know about individuals, it’s that they refuse to be defined by charts, graphics, and types. We’d never suggest otherwise. But just in case you have a friend or two who might benefit from some visual aids, we’ve put together a chart to help match glass to personality type, one which we’re sure you’ll find very helpful—er, “your friend” will find very helpful.
In summation: drink wisely, wear your individuality boldly, and if part of that individuality doesn’t show up on your beer glass, then you’re doing it wrong.